January 15, 2002
An amazing thing happened today – I became thankful of my sin.
I thank God so much that when He created me, He gave me a heart. He gave me a heart that longs, that yearns. And even though that longing in my heart has led me into dark times, if it weren’t for darkness, we would never see light.
I also thank God that He gave me a mind – a mind that He allows me to use to make my own choices. Even though my mind has made choices I wish I could forget, it is that free will that makes this moment so fathomless.
For I love God, I love Him so much I want to burst. I don’t love Him because my family does or my friends do. I don’t love Him because it’s the “right” thing to do. I don’t love Him because He told me I should. I love Him because I chose to follow my heart and my heart led straight to Jesus.
I have come face to face with the evils of this world. I have been intimate with the darkness that lurks and searches for any spark to suffocate. I have been used, lied to, hated, struck down, and deserted.
However, as much as I have felt pain, I have caused pain – cheating, lying, manipulating, seducing, self-pleasing, uncaring…
Finally, I stepped back into the light, but the shadows of my past continued to molest my mind and cause my heart to become so heavy it would pull me to the ground while bitter tears rolled off my cheeks. Such graphic flashbacks cause me to cry out to God pleading for peace.
And today, God answered my prayer. He showed me that I love my life and this life came about because God blessed my sins. He did not make those sins okay, but He took them and molded me with them. Yes, He showed me my impurity and reminded me that I am no better than a prostitute; and through that, He has shown me how to love a prostitute and feel mercy for the least of society.
He sees the beauty amidst my ugliness and He continuously offers His forgiveness of my ugliness. Like one hymn says, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.” There’s nothing I can do, I will never be sinless as long as I am on this earth. However, I can still have joy because I am eternally loved by my Father and He sees the art in me.
“My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought, my sin – not in part, but in whole – is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul!”
Friday, March 6, 2009
A Breath of Fresh Air
September or October, 2001
Lost, confused, alone
Huddled under the safety of my covers
Staring into nothing
I prayed.
I prayed for light on my darkened existence.
I prayed for a lift out of my rut.
I prayed for wisdom, for comfort, for clarity.
And the Lord responded by saying,
“I love you.”
The Lord took me to the mountains today.
At first I gazed about bleary eyed and careless,
But suddenly my world turned to color
As we rounded a bend and were struck with
A heaven of Autumn.
White trunks of Aspens grand surged to the sky,
Their tops crowned with yellow and gold.
I found myself enveloped in their splendor.
I feel so small standing among the grasses and dandelions –
A canopy of majestic trees above,
The girth of a mountain below…and beyond.
With every breath of wind running through my hair,
With every ray of sunlight seeping through the clouds,
With every leaf that quietly drifts from above,
Gently brushing my face before resting on the ground,
I see the love of my Father
And I know He is in control.
Lost, confused, alone
Huddled under the safety of my covers
Staring into nothing
I prayed.
I prayed for light on my darkened existence.
I prayed for a lift out of my rut.
I prayed for wisdom, for comfort, for clarity.
And the Lord responded by saying,
“I love you.”
The Lord took me to the mountains today.
At first I gazed about bleary eyed and careless,
But suddenly my world turned to color
As we rounded a bend and were struck with
A heaven of Autumn.
White trunks of Aspens grand surged to the sky,
Their tops crowned with yellow and gold.
I found myself enveloped in their splendor.
I feel so small standing among the grasses and dandelions –
A canopy of majestic trees above,
The girth of a mountain below…and beyond.
With every breath of wind running through my hair,
With every ray of sunlight seeping through the clouds,
With every leaf that quietly drifts from above,
Gently brushing my face before resting on the ground,
I see the love of my Father
And I know He is in control.
The Week After 9/11
September 17, 2001
It’s time for me to share the devastating news that has been news for almost a week now…Last Thursday the U.S. was attacked by terrorists. Four planes were hi-jacked, 2 crashed into the World Trade Center in Manhattan, 1 crashed into the Pentagon, and 1 crashed in Pennsylvania. That day was a strange, melancholy day. I watched the news for hours at a time, went to a prayer vigil, and a community gathering. Everyone was in shock – in disbelief that this could happen. But, it did and now we are, according to the president, “at war”. War hasn’t been declared and I don’t know if it will. But we’re certainly close.
At the same time, this past week has been amazing for me. I have learned a whole mew way of worship at a worship service I attended on Saturday night (Flagstaff Vineyard). They encouraged us to freely express our worship to God in any way we want – whether singing, writing, drawing, whatever.
God has been showing me so much about myself, my friends, this life, and God’s hopes for me. I have experienced the worst of mankind this week through the terrorist attacks and a rough fight downtown on Saturday night. But I have also seen the most beautiful of God’s creation – and of God…sunsets, friendship, love, fellowship, worship, joy, and the list goes on…
It’s been a week of confusion and mixed emotions – but it has been amazing. I have learned more and grown more than I have in a year’s time. And it is only a beginning…
It’s time for me to share the devastating news that has been news for almost a week now…Last Thursday the U.S. was attacked by terrorists. Four planes were hi-jacked, 2 crashed into the World Trade Center in Manhattan, 1 crashed into the Pentagon, and 1 crashed in Pennsylvania. That day was a strange, melancholy day. I watched the news for hours at a time, went to a prayer vigil, and a community gathering. Everyone was in shock – in disbelief that this could happen. But, it did and now we are, according to the president, “at war”. War hasn’t been declared and I don’t know if it will. But we’re certainly close.
At the same time, this past week has been amazing for me. I have learned a whole mew way of worship at a worship service I attended on Saturday night (Flagstaff Vineyard). They encouraged us to freely express our worship to God in any way we want – whether singing, writing, drawing, whatever.
God has been showing me so much about myself, my friends, this life, and God’s hopes for me. I have experienced the worst of mankind this week through the terrorist attacks and a rough fight downtown on Saturday night. But I have also seen the most beautiful of God’s creation – and of God…sunsets, friendship, love, fellowship, worship, joy, and the list goes on…
It’s been a week of confusion and mixed emotions – but it has been amazing. I have learned more and grown more than I have in a year’s time. And it is only a beginning…
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